With the amount of information they've thrown at us in the last two, it certainly feels like it's been longer. There's at least a months worth of curriculum we've already gone through. It's customer service week & I'm super excited because we will have our first real flight on Sunday where we get to put some of the things we've been learning & practicing into action. Customer service, easy peasy. Pretty simple & common sense stuff. For me at least, growing up in a restaurant & having been a server for a good majority of my life, this week has been somewhat breezy so far. Speaking of breezy, ATL has been thunderstorms & lightning all week. Not so fun. Kind of makes me miss Washington that much more. And my solitude. The peace & quiet that come with home.
Being surrounded by people 24/7 is taking its toll on me. I find myself wishing more and more I had been lucky enough to get my own room. Recharging is definitely something I really need right now. And don't get me wrong, my roommate is great. We get along really well & haven't had any issues. I'm just used to so much more personal space... pretty normal angst really.
This blog though isn't so much about training (I'm not even supposed to be blogging about training really anyway) as it is I just need to get some things off my mind. Dump a few loads out so I don't have to carry the weight of it around with me. Especially to training & class.
I don't know if I'm certifiably depressed or just weird or just in a stupid semi-funk but I definitely feel like it right now.
I wish I could crawl into someone's arms some days...Who would tell me that it's okay...that everything is going to be okay & that I don't have to do everything on my own all the time. That life gets easier. Not harder & if it is hard right now, that I don't have to go through the hard stuff alone.
As much as I feel like I have it together & as strong of a woman that I've come to be, I'm just feeling right on the brink of exhaustion yet I can't completely let myself get there because there isn't somebody's arms to catch me or comfort to sink into. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Or maybe that's just the way it is. Does anyone really know? I miss being sure of myself. And I honestly know that it's just a fleeting feeling & I'm actually really at a good place right now. I'm just afraid that if I don't let all of this angst out right now, or if I wait any longer, it will throw me into a much deeper funk that's harder to climb out of. I'm so tired of falling into funks though. Why can't they just stop altogether?
Why is it that I've had conversations with God & declared that I am of Him & for Him & that I have chosen Him. That I see I am here to be his shining glory & in the same way that I want to make my mom proud of me & my actions, I want my Creator to be proud of his creation. Whether our creator is the Christian God or another deity, I respect the fact that life is not about me. Yet I feel so self-absorbed in this little bubble called Delta Air Lines Training Center. It seems I escaped one bubble only to fall into another one. And I can't help but feel that this blog is self-centered. It's all about me, me, me. Yet I don't know how else to take care of myself while also being mindful of the global community we live in today.
Some day I'd still like to be a teacher. A teacher of what & for whom, I'm not sure. But I want to inspire others to be GOOD. I want to make a difference. A positive one. I want to change the world one small action at a time. I'm not even sure why. Only that it makes me feel good by doing good. So either way, it seems to go back to me. And how it makes me feel. Odd isn't it.
I guess it also just makes sense. No one likes to feel bad do they? I know I'm not the only one who thinks these thoughts but at times like this I feel so melancholy & so lonely. Nothing takes the longing away. I read things & hear things & have conversations with all sorts of people on a regular basis & I know that I'm not off my rocker. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm actually one of the more sane people out there. I have consciously thought through my actions & my behaviors & have actively participated in my life & stayed PRESENT as well as responsible for myself when most people my age are enjoying the privileges that their parents & wealth have made available to them. And yet I can't be angry at them because life & death afterall, do not seem to be biased, and just like me, they're only making the best of the hand that's been dealt to them. Life's not fair right. Life isn't even that pretty all the time. But life keeps going whether you're there or not. Life goes on. It doesn't seem to matter how it goes on. Just that it does.
Whatever point I'm trying to get at, I don't really know. Mostly I'm just trying to stem the tide of thoughts bombarding my brain & funnel them into something slightly more tangible.
On a slightly different thought-train, as exciting as everything is & is going to be, as many adventures as I might/will have, I would trade all of this for love. That true love we all crave. I say all because I hope that innately, we ALL do crave love. But honestly, there's a whole crazy world out there. And some very strange people. And I just don't know anymore.
But what I do know is that I want to find my best friend. Whoever he's supposed to be. I simply want to share & build my life WITH someone. Not spend or waste my life LOOKING for him. I'm not even saying there's just one guy out there for me, I just want to find one that's right. In all the places that matter. I want someone to come home to who I can trust & count on when I'm away. But someone I can share all of this excitement & these perks with. Nothing I gain out of life is even great until I can share it with people I love & care about. If I had someone I could share this time in my life with, it would make everything that much sweeter. And yes, they say you can't hurry love (no you just have to wait....it doesn't come easy. It's a game of give & take. blah blah blah blah.....) but I'm not even saying I want love immediately right now. I just want a guy who isn't gonna cheat on me. Who is going to trust me. And who isn't going to annoy or suffocate me till I wanna pull my hair out. Who I can legitimately snuggle with & not feel guilt for sleeping with & being intimate with. Who is my one & only. Nevermind love & marriage. Sure those things take time. Understanding. Maturity on both levels. And YES, of course I eventually would like it to lead down that road. BUT.
Right now, I just don't want to get all crazy dating guys left and right just because I can. I don't enjoy it. I don't even like dating or getting to know people on a superficial level. I want to be past all the awkward stages & bypass all the fronts & just be straight with someone. The excitement for me will be discovering something new about that someone or discovering new things we both find joy & happiness in; TOGETHER. The excitement for me is not about the games or the coyness or the butterflies even. I can get butterflies cliff jumping thank you very much.
I need companionship. Comfort. Security. A man's honesty. I'm not so fragile that I can't handle the truth. I need someone who understands that. That in my very core, I long for an open & honest relationship with someone. With everyone really. I make every effort to be honest in all my relationships with people. It's a pretty simple concept really. But I do want someone to make special. And someone who might want to make me special. Is that really so freaky that most men turn & run the other direction? Are there really people out there who don't have a longing to simply BE with someone? Or are they lying to themselves as much as they're lying to me?
Just be honest people. I swear it makes life SO much easier.
I just want to share my life with someone special. Even if for a short while. I crave a deeper connection in life & I refuse to search for it in a bong, in a bar or in a stranger's bed. I say this only because I'm afraid of what this career means for my relationships with people. I'm afraid that it's opened up a whole new world of pure excitement & not enough stability. And for an adrenaline junkie like me, it doesn't bode well. It's a recipe for mistakes I don't want to make. For mistakes that I don't want to make twice.
And that's the truth. I don't want to make the same mistakes or even similar mistakes. I'm young. And it's great because at this point in my life, the possibilities are still endless. And I'm allowed to make mistakes. To "live and learn" but at what point does that all change? Never right? So I just go through life making mistake after mistake? No thank you. I have a choice. Every single moment that my brain works & I have control over my facilities, I have the power to choose. Any route I choose. And not one person can tell me otherwise. Only God determines what I can or cannot do. But my God also gave me a choice. And I've chosen Him. So what now God?